im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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