She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
