I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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