im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
