I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
