And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
