i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
