I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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