All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
