when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
