A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
