did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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