dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
