Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
