You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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