I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
