i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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