You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
