I want to make a zoo with you.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
