i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
