i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
