The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
