How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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