my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
