Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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