Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
