yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
