I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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