for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
