Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
