TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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