It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
