just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
