I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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