At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
