i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
