Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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