party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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