Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
