I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
