I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
