Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
