On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
