After last night, I could never be a politician.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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