all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
