Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
