I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
