my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Randomize
