i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
