Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
